Somewhere deep inside you have always known…Maybe you were the one who was always interested in talking about sex in high school, the one all of your friends came to when they had a question or wanted to share a juicy story…Maybe through your own personal growth and transformation around sex and relationships you have found a sense of ease, vulnerability and pleasure and you want to help others feel the same…Maybe you were hurt in the realm of sex and relationships, know what the journey to healing is like, and want to help guide others on their path…Maybe you already work in the realm of sex and relationships and want to do it with greater depth and intimacy. Whatever your voyage has been so far, the time is now to have your dream career!

In creating and training people in the Somatica Method, we have had the great pleasure of seeing so many of our students transform into successful guides in the realm of sex and relationship coaching. During the training you experience your own awakening, opening your eyes to the intricacies of emotional connection and unlocking the mysteries of sexual desire. Next, you gain tools to help people who are suffering around sex and relationships as well as those want to keep blossoming. Finally, you go out into the world with the support of an amazing community of supportive friends and colleagues to make a real, tangible difference in the lives of the people you touch. For us, there is nothing more exciting than seeing emails and facebook posts from our students like this one:

Biz has really picked up and I’ve had several sessions this week and last week. I don’t know about others, but my goodness… This work is literally turning me on! The level of intimacy and connection has been tremendous and when the client leaves, I have to take care of my personal business! Or ravage my husband. Needless to say, he’s very happy.

And another student who received feedback from one of her Somatica coaching clients:

Wanted to share this client’s experience after we did an inner child session yesterday… This stuff really works!!!

I knew this morning’s session was powerful but didn’t know just how powerful until driving away. Came home and lay down for about 3 hours. It was so still and so relaxing. The mind is still. And the body (my body, the young body) now knows more about the experience of relaxing and being held. I’ve “known” that I didn’t have that experience with my mom yet I didn’t get how being out of my body at such a young age and not feeling comfortable relaxing and being held set the stage for feeling alone and like I’ve had to do everything on my own and take care of everybody else. Thank you for being a safe professional, warm, and nonjudgmental person to allow this body to finally relax and experience the tender closeness. Powerful.

Can you imagine getting emails like this from your clients – knowing that you are a safe, caring and knowledgeable helper who can support people in being more connected to their bodies, more open to love and attachment, and more capable of expressing their needs and boundaries. If you feel it in your bones that this is your realm, the realm where your gifts can shine and you can spread love and sexiness then it is time. Don’t wait a minute longer!

If you want to experience your own personal growth around sex and help your clients to do so as well, it is essential to understand what makes you and the people around you tick when it comes to sex. We find that one of the best ways to think about what turns people on is the idea of a Hottest Sexual Movie – and we aren’t talking about what’s playing at a theater near you. Whether they are conscious of it or not, the majority of people walk through the world with one or more sexual “movies” circulating in their imagination. These Hottest Sexual Movies include images and ideas of how they want sex to look, what feelings they want to have, and what kind of experiences they want to play out in their sex lives. The characters may change, but (and this is very important!) the themes generally stay the same.

While most people have the ability to enjoy multiple forms of seduction, a person’s primary sexual movie brings them the most arousal and intensity. People often try and suppress their fantasies for fear that they will not be able to make them a reality or because they are ashamed of them. We encourage you to fully explore and flesh out your fantasies and to help your clients do this as well. A more exciting and fulfilling sex life is right around the corner for people who get to the bottom of their actual sexual needs and desires.

The process of finding and articulating your Hottest Sexual Movie has 3​ steps, you should go through them yourself before trying to take a client through them!

Step 1: Become a Self-Detective
While many people look for answers about what “should” turn them on from professionals, friends, the media, etc. becoming a self-detective and guiding others to do so is actually much more helpful. Before starting the self-detective process or helping a client to do so, begin with an attitude of curiosity and non-judgment. You or your clients may find that some of what turns people on is more accepted by society and other parts are less accepted. If any thoughts bring up shame or guilt, start by thinking of them as desires not actions. Remember and remind those you are helping that, as long as any enactment of them is between consenting adults, there is nothing to be ashamed of!

Once you are in a non-judgmental place, dig into your fantasies. Whether they are overtly sexual or not is unimportant, just start to pay attention to what you think when you start to drift off. What are your daydreams about you and anyone to whom you are attracted? What kinds of thoughts get you turned on?

Next, think back on the books and movies that have gotten you most aroused as well as the sexual experiences that you’ve had that were the biggest turn-on. They might be romantic, full of passion and intrigue, torture or other types of BDSM, or any sorts of themes from porn that you watch or erotic stories you read. Think of the scenes and the moments in those scenes that are the real zingers. You may want to do some writing on all of this to really pinpoint your turn-ons.

Step 2: Identify the Underlying Feeling You Want to Have
As you explore the data you have gathered try to identify the kinds of feelings that you are having or making others have and see which ones seem most relevant and exciting to you. For example, you might want to feel or make others feel powerful, taken, degraded, surprised, in danger, cared for, precious, teased, indulgent, loved, denied, adored, abused, seen, desired, powerless, known, punished accepted, etc.

If you fantasize about sex in public places, this might be a fantasy of being so desirable your partner would have sex with you anywhere. It also might be a fantasy of wanting to be seen (exhibitionism) or of being in danger (of being caught). If your fantasy is of your partner surprising you with a five-course dinner at your favorite, fancy restaurant, it might be a fantasy of being cared for (they planned it) or known (they knew it was your favorite restaurant), or it could be a fantasy of indulgence (five-course and fancy) or of surprise. Make a list of the feeling or feelings that seem to be most linked to your arousal.

Step 3: Draft your Hottest Sexual Movie
It is one thing to passively fantasize, watch, read or allow others to do their best to give you what you want, but we want you to take it one step further and help your clients do the same. With everything you now know about what turns you on, write your own scene (or, even better, many different scenes), that will invoke these feelings in you. While you might not want to act on everything you find that turns you on, all of it can be incorporated into our sex life in one way or another. See what you actually want to experience, what you want to share in bed with your partner (for example, what you’d like to say to them or have them say to you) and what you want to keep in your back pocket to fantasize about here and there during your sexual experiences to give you that extra arousal bump. Yes, we believe it is ok to have your own fantasies running in your mind during sex with your partner (hmmmm, maybe we need to write a blog on this!).

Think about how you want your partner to look at you, talk to you, touch you and how you want to look at them, talk to them and touch them in order to get some of those feelings you so desire. Imagine how you would like your movie to start, what are some experiences that you’d like for the middle part of your movie. How does your movie end and what do you want from your partner once sex is over? Take some times to write out some hot scenarios!

For a more in-depth exploration of your cinema worthy sexual fantasies check out our recent book where we dedicate several chapters to walking you through this process. Also, keep following this series where we will share what we have seen are the most prevalent sexual movie genres and what they say about your own and your clients desires. Finally, we will give you some pointers on how to communicate with your partner and help couples through a hottest sexual movie talk!

Our last blog introduced how finding your “Hottest Sexual Movie” is a crucial element of exploring your own desire and inviting others to do the same. Whether you need to hone in on your movie of choice or facilitate this conversation with others, we want to share the most common sexual movie genre’s we have heard clients describe. This will give you a sense of how to start the journey with yourself and guide the conversation with clients.

It may seem cliche, but we have to start with romance. As women we were fed romantic movies throughout our entire lives, so it should not be a shock that many women, and a good portion of men, find themselves craving romance in action. Even our female clients who have passionate and/or dominant as their primary fantasies often want some kind of romance in the mix. Likewise, many men find that romantic scenarios play into their fantasy life. Unless you are watching arthouse european films, romantic flicks rarely include any graphic erotic scenes. It may take some creativity and fantasizing to fully realize how romance translates into a more erotic interaction.

In Somatica we focus on identifying core desires and, at it’s core, the romance movie is about being deeply loved and cared for by someone who you have a special connection with that is not easily explained. Some folks are embarrassed to admit that they are seeking a soul mate connection, and we know that certain aspects of this fantasy are unrealistic. At the same time, there is no use in repressing your romantic desires, because they likely will not go away. By allowing romance to be a fantasy, we give ourselves and our clients permission to experience the pleasure of playing out the romantic movie in the moment instead of focusing on the disappointment of it not being forever. In this way, you can still experience the longing and pleasure of romance, which is about holding each other as eternally precious and uniquely important. We want to empower you and your future clients to embrace the desire to feel swept up in a meaningful and all-consuming connection.

Four essential elements define each movie – energy, touch, words and gestures.

Romantic Energy: When we talk about feeling something in our hearts this is often romantic energy, but it can also engage us all over. It is often what people are talking about when they refer to the feeling of falling in love.

Romantic Touch: The most romantic touch is an exercise restraint. Light caresses awaken the nerve endings and make the body feel alive. Romantic touch can be a great way start to an encounter, even if you move away from romance later on.

Romantic Words: Romantic language ranges from expressing a partner’s beauty or preciousness to musing about a fulfillment of dreams and eternal connections. Think “I’ve ever seen anyone as stunning” or “You are the man of my dreams.” To the non-romantic ear these may sound insincere or over the top but for others these kinds of declarations are exactly what they long to hear. Check in with yourself and see how these words feel for you.

Romantic Gestures: You can bring romance into all elements of life, not just the bedroom. Romantic gestures include sending letters, cards, emails, or texts with romantic messages and giving classic gifts like flowers, a tie, chocolate, or a ring. Some romantic gestures can be a way to show that you pay attention by commemorating special days like birthdays, anniversaries or better yet, first times (like the first day you kissed or the first time you met). Booking a reservation at their favorite restaurant, going dancing, or having a moonlight picnic can all be ways to cultivate romance through action. What these gestures express is that you are on your partner’s’ mind no matter what else is happening in life.

A Romantic Fantasy: In Our Client’s Words
We could make endless lists giving examples of romantic energy, touch, words, and gestures, but often our clients say it best when they share their ultimate fantasies. We want to offer you one client’s description of her romantic Hottest Sexual Movie that was so beautiful it made us cry:

We both get dressed up – you’re in some tight jeans that show the shape of your ass and that black coat I bought you, and I’m in an elegant dress. We go out to a restaurant together and you open and close the car door and the restaurant door for me. While we’re at the restaurant, we touch each other across the table and you tell me how beautiful I look to you. When we leave, you put on my coat for me. At home you light some candles, turn on some of that music that has no lyrics, and invite me to dance. We start to sway together as you look into my eyes. You lean in and touch your lips to mine, barely kissing me, and then you whisper in my ear how much you love me. You move behind me and hold me close around the waist. Still dancing and swaying, I can feel your breath as you gently kiss my neck and ear. You unzip my dress and slowly take it off of me, caressing my body as it falls to the floor. You’re surprised at my lacy white bra and underwear and you admire my body…..
Anyways…You get the picture. We will leave the rest to your imagination as we continue to guide you in discovering your own hottest sexual movie and helping your clients do the same
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Before you sign on and decide you are definitely a romantic and heart, stay tuned for the other popular genres that might ignite your fantasy life. Next up, find out about Passionate Fantasies…and if you want to hear more about how using Hottest Sexual Movies can help individuals and couples express their desires, check out what we offer in our Somatica Core Training!

In this series we introduce how finding the genre of your “Hottest Sexual Movie” is an important tool for self-discovery, for you and your clients. Having this vocabulary is a means to communicate desires to a partner in a way that is playful, non-judgemental and future-focused. Previously, we broke down the details of “The Romantic Movie” and what core desires it addresses. Whereas the romantic movie is about feeling deeply loved, the passionate story is about intense, insatiable desire. Rather than appealing to our very human need to feel seen and understood, the passionate story is about allowing unexplained, uncontrollable animalistic desire taking hold. In our Somatica Trainings we offer a journey of self-discovery where you have permission to explore all kinds of fantasies while learning the tools you will need to allow others to explore and share.

The passionate movie is about a connection that is a bit out of control. In modern western society, we spend years socializing our children out of animal-like behavior in order for them to behave. When the self-conscious part of your brain that tells you that you must behave can be silenced, then passion begins. There it was all along, the sensory part of you that wants to bite, grab, growl, and satisfy all of your needs. In our sexually repressed culture, many people fantasize about having passion overtake them and their lovers. The passionate sexual movie is a very common fantasy because it allows you to go beyond the constraints of being nice and compliant which, in turn, allows you to feel truly alive in your body.

Whether or not this appeals to you in theory, giving yourself permission to have experiences that are sensory and uninhibited can feel liberating. Allowing clients to explore this side of themselves can be profoundly healing and we have helped many couples try out passionate fantasies starting with something as simple as a kiss.
No action captures the essence of the passionate story more than a passionate kiss. When done right, it can express an overwhelming amount of desire and promise. We have helped many clients reignite passion on multiple levels just by nailing this one important experience.

Here are the basics of delivering a killer, Passionate Kiss:
The Look: It is important to begin with a passionate look, letting all of the animalistic desire come into your eyes and holding it.

The Build Up: Waiting before jumping into a kiss builds tension and lets you sit in the uncertainty of whether or not all the passion will be met. If you go too quickly to the kiss, you don’t allow tension and excitement to build. By waiting, you allow yourself and your lover to build to a frenzy of desire where you can’t rip each other’s clothes off fast enough.

The Delivery: Don’t be afraid to grab hair, a collar, or the back of their head and really let yourself express your passion with your mouth and tongue but also with your entire body pressed against theirs. If you feel like giving a little lip nibble- got for it.

We promise you won’t regret where this kiss can lead. Here is a story one of our male clients told us about his girlfriend’s passionate approach to sex:

Usually my girlfriend seems to be more into romance, but every once in awhile it’s like she’s possessed. It sometimes happens on vacation or when something really great happens in her life. I know it’s happening because she gets this look in her eye like I’m just a piece of meat. I know women might not like feeling like a piece of meat and, to be honest, the first time I saw it I was a little surprised, but I definitely don’t mind feeling like a piece of meat. This one time, she walked in the door wearing this really tight, sexy dress and she had that look in her eyes. Before she even got to me, she started taking her clothes off, and she just pushed me down on the bed. She started kissing me and grabbing me and taking my clothes off. She took my hands and started moving them all over her body, encouraging me to grab her ass and her nipples really hard. I could feel her grinding on me…

You get the picture. As you start to see what genre most appeals to you, don’t forget that you can always incorporate various elements of each into your special mix and encourage others to do the same. Romance and passion often go hand and hand and we give you a template for how to seamlessly integrate multiple fantasy types into your sexual encounters and to help clients do the same. Find out more about what you will learn in the Somatica Core Training here!. Stay tuned for our next post on the “Dominant/submissive” movie that uses energy, gestures and words to play with power and its relinquishment.

While Dominant/Submissive fantasies are still pretty marginalized in mainstream circles and representations, they are slowly becoming more accepted and less stigmatized. Still, people who have dominant/submissive fantasies often feel like they can’t share them for fear of being judged or rejected which can lead to negative relationship patterns and a lack of sex drive. Maybe you have already thoroughly explored your BDSM/Kink and power-related fantasies or maybe you have never felt safe enough to utter those desires. After seeing hundreds of clients, we can confirm that many people’s core sexual needs are about power in some way or another. As you begin to identify your “Hottest Sexual Movie” and find that it does have something to do with power, it is important to consider what side of the power dynamic excites you. This will help you engage in your own sex life, and with clients, with more empathy and presence. You may want to feel like you have complete power, feel powerless, or play around on both sides.

Many submissives desire to feel restrained or contained in some way that makes them feel safe. This can be achieved many ways. You may want to feel like you don’t have to take any responsibility, as if it is all just happening to you. You also may want to feel punished or coerced. If you are dominant, you may want to feel powerful and in command. You may like the feeling of coercing your partner to do something and then having them realize they like it. You may want to be judgmental, scolding, or punishing. You may find that at times you like to be dominant and at other times you like to be submissive. This is commonly referred to as being a “switch” and the act as “switching.”

Achieving the right balance of communication and play to make dominance and submission pleasurable is not simple. Even when someone states they want to be dominated, they may remain a bit ambivalent. Whenever you are playing with power differences, it is important to be aware that this kind of play can provoke strong emotions. Not everyone is ready to play with dominance, and some need to feel a romantic or passionate connection before they are willing to explore it. Some people like light dominance but nothing heavy, and some never want to play this way.

Many women have been told that they can’t be both feminist and act on their submissive desires, which is such a misunderstanding of what women deserve which is choices about how we want to experience our bodies. People often fear that a dominant/submissive power dynamic might in the bedroom will not be contained to that space. The truth is there are power differences in relationships, and dominance and submission can be one way to openly explore these differences. This is why we also recommend switching roles and seeing what it feels like for each of you to be on the other side of the equation. If you are working with clients who want to explore these power dynamics in session make sure that those instances have clear boundaries and are differentiated from the client/practitioner relationship. This way you can still hold the space necessary for their growth while offering them a place to explore without judgment.

Dominant women and submissive men remain less common, and even less commonly articulated in our society, in part, because we are all impacted by heterosexual gender roles growing up. This added level of marginalization can cause challenges for some submissive men and dominant women, as they may feel ashamed of being in the minority or judge of their partner for falling outside gender norms. Another challenge is when two dominants or two submissives get together. In the extremes, you can end up in deadlocked power struggles, or with no one taking any initiative at all (Read: Starfish party).

This is why it is so important to bring an open, non-judgmental attitude to your Hottest Sexual Movie conversations. There is nothing either of you can do to change your partner’s desires. You can, however, accept them without feeling responsible for fulfilling them. Guiding clients in these conversations can be a challenge and it is important to constantly remind them that their partner’s desire is not an insult to them.
Even when dominant/submissive desires align, we caution clients that they need to have realistic expectations. it is very rare to get the dominant/submissive movie right the first time. Both partners need to be prepared to have a number of “takes” in order to find out what words and actions turn the two of you on the most. With regard to words, remember that tone and attitude are important, not just the words themselves. If your partner tells you something turns them on (for example, “I really like it when you tell me to get on my knees and then you grab my hair”), ask what turns them on about it. When you begin to get some insight into why particular actions are a turn-on, you can add others that are similar thematically.

They may say, for example, “I like it because I feel like you’re in control of the experience and I have to do exactly what you say.” On the other hand, they might say, “I like it because it feels like you’re using me for your pleasure.” These are two very different themes that would lead to different kinds of sexual experiences. The first could include pleasing both parties, while the second would mean that, the dominant would focus more on taking their own pleasure and if they focus too much on their partner’s pleasure, they might get turned off. We also tell clients to avoid bringing in “real life” conflicts (even as innocuous as chores or charged as infidelity) unless you have some practice. These can break the scene and also lead to continued conflict instead of easing it.

Once people find some words, gestures, and experiences that turn them on, we still make sure they continue to communicate their needs and desires and give feedback. This will add variety and keep explorations fresh and interesting. After all, there are only so many times a teacher can punish an unruly student before some creativity is in order.

Using the Somatica Method we have seen many of our students and clients integrate Dominant/Submissive role play into their relationships and practices in ways that are safe, exciting, and dynamic. Find out more about what you will learn in the Somatica Core Training here!