Tag: Get trained as a sex coach

More often than you might think, couples get in long-term relationships who have very different sexual desires. This is one of the many reasons that sex can cool down after the honeymoon period and, when couples have very different desires, it can lead to hurt, misunderstanding and a sexless marriage or relationship. When we work with couples, we always encourage them to have a Hottest Sexual Movie conversation. These conversations have some very specific rules to follow and you can help your clients navigate through them. Before talking about the rules, we want to make an important distinction between Hottest Sexual Movies and fantasies.

A Hottest Sexual Movie consists of the experiences people actually want to have. In addition to this, they may have a set of fantasies that they use to increase their arousal during sex or masturbation but that they don’t actually want to enact in the world. For example, a person can fantasize about group sex but have no interest in actually experiencing it. Fantasies that people want to think about but not experience may exist totally outside of their sexual relationship or they might express these fantasies to a partner in hopes of sharing this part of themselves and gaining acceptance and mutual arousal. For example, if your clients are playing with dominant/submissive dynamics they may want their partner to punish them for having this fantasy. Conversely, they may just want to use it for their own arousal and not share it. When you invite your clients into a Hottest Sexual Movie conversation, you will want to make the distinction between fantasies they might have that they don’t want to enact and those they do. Then, invite them to share both of these categories if they’d like.

You will need to let your clients know that sharing and teaching their hottest sexual movie will take self-awareness, conscious communication and non-judgmental acceptance. It will also require the ability to know and share boundaries and be willing to learn instead of feeling like they already need to know. Finally, it takes a whole lot of creativity. One word of caution, when it comes to sharing past experiences they’ve had with other lovers, be aware that this could trigger hurt. Help them be especially careful not to compare their partner to someone else with whom they’ve had amazing sex. Trust us, they will never forget this.

To help them describe their movies, ask them to picture the character(s), the action, the setting, and especially what they want to feel. While it is a beautiful gift to really dive into the role of guest star in a partner’s movie, let your clients know that they also have a right to decide which parts they are ready to try now, which parts they might want to add later, and which parts they may never do at all. Let them know that they might have more than one movie or might want to begin in one and move into another one. For example, a romantic seduction scenario may be what gets them started but when it comes to actually getting them off, more passionate, animalistic sex fits the bill. Sometimes the process of articulating these desires can open up new avenues of play and seduction.

Let your clients know that whatever they decide to share in as a result of these conversations is not set in stone. Negotiating sexual and relationship choices is an ongoing conversation that partners can always revisit and amend. In our book, Making Love Real, we go into greater depth as to how the process of discovering, sharing and finally acting out a hottest sexual movie can change relationships in lasting and amazing ways. If you’d like to find out more about how to coach your clients into fantastic sex and satisfying relationships you might want to check out the Somatica Core Training or attend a Free Intro to Somatica.

As you might imagine, people often come into our offices with a desire to improve themselves and perhaps you have this desire as well. You might want to be a better lover, figure out a way to stop making the same relationship mistakes, find ways to last longer, etc. Most people look at themselves as lacking or failing in some way and they want “advice” on how to change.

As coaches, it is our job to help our clients understand the difference between personal growth and self-improvement. In our minds, self-improvement is an external approach to change, one where people try to strategize about how to fix a problem or enforce a new regime on themselves. One of the biggest self-improvement industries is dieting. Recent research shows that dieting doesn’t work; in fact, the opposite result often comes from an attempt at dieting to lose weight. Those who diet generally gain weight in the long-run—more weight than those who did not ever diet to begin with. While the research shows that diets don’t work, they usually do not talk about why.

In our experience working with clients around transformation and growth, we have found that those who try to self-improve with some sort of externally enforced program generally go through a painful loop. There is initial energy and excitement as though succeeding in this particular goal (whatever it is) is the answer to changing their life. They start off with a bang—counting calories, running 7 days a week, going out to try to meet people. Pretty quickly, both the enthusiasm and the new regime go out the window; the client eventually goes back to their habitual behavior. The worst part of this self-improvement cycle is the next step, shame. Shame arises when people feel like they have failed and that they will never achieve their self-improvement goals.

The shame cycle can lead to critical thoughts such as, “I’m so lazy” or “I’m pathetic! I can’t do anything”. It can also lead to self-abuse/self-soothing. We put self-abuse and self-soothing in the same category because they are often just the same behaviors with different attitudes. For example, someone might smoke or get drunk thinking, “I don’t deserve to live. I hope this fucking kills me” or they might do it with the attitude, “Nothing is going to work, but at least I can temporarily feel better.” Being stuck in a shame cycle is perhaps the least motivated, inspired, or transformative place a person can be. It is a place of frozenness, where people hide away, disconnect, and don’t want to move or be seen.

Another reason why self-improvement approaches don’t work is that they hit a core conflict around acceptance. When people try to follow external programs, they often end up feeling that they need to be some way other than the way they are in order to be loved. Since people’s deepest relationships need is to be loved for who they are, self-improvement crusades are generally not sustainable. The desire for acceptance eventually wins out.

As coaches, we want to help you and our clients see that they are not the problem. The attempt to force yourself to do something without looking at any underlying feelings, needs, fears, and motives is not very likely to result in change. We are creatures of habit out of necessity. Habits help us move through day-to-day life without having to question every action or decision so that we have enough bandwidth to face uncertainties and challenges when they arise. Habits can be slow to change, and are sometimes intractable. At the very least, change is generally incremental (as opposed to immediate) and we are lovable even in the midst of the fact that we all have habits that challenge our ability to experience intimacy and erotic connection.

Personal growth is a much different and gentler approach to change than self-improvement. In guiding people in their personal growth, we must keep in mind that the reason most people want to change is that they think it will get them something that they want, like love, sex, or success. As coaches we start with the premise that NO ONE IS PERFECT, so it stands to reason that imperfect people experience loving connection, sexual fulfillment, and success all the time. We help people get off the hamster wheel of self-improvement by beginning with self-acceptance and the acceptance of others. Many people fear that if they accept themselves in their “currently-flawed condition”, it will demotivate them to make positive improvements in their life.

We have found that the truth is quite the opposite. The more a client feels loved and accepted, the more we can help them laugh at the ridiculously unmeetable requirements parents, society, and their projections of other’s perfection put on them; the more we vulnerably share our own challenges and struggles; and the more they come to love and accept themselves as a result, the less time they spend frozen in shame cycles. In addition to helping them accept themselves, we also help people accept that change is often slow and incremental.

As we teach people how to know what they need, how to listen, and how to share boundaries, we celebrate each incremental change heartily. For example, we might work with a client who, when triggered by their partner, reacts by attacking and yelling mean things. We can help by teaching self-soothing tools such as breathing or holding their inner child. The next time the client feels triggered and is able to react differently when as their blood is boiling, we, as coaches are giving them a high-five festival, a “you-didn’t-just-follow-your-first-reactive-response!” party, complete with hugs and party hats. As they grow, we continue to share how incremental and slow our own changes have been, and we love our clients even (wait, no, especially) when they fuck up. We help them remember that change is not a direct arrow upwards. It comes in fits and starts— two steps forward and one step back. We laugh and cry with them, and we share our humanness so that they can accept their own. Offering unconditional love, acceptance, and honesty is the job of a coach who wants to truly help their client grow. If you’d like to see how the Somatica Method can help you and your clients on a journey of personal growth, join us for a Free Somatica Intro Day or check out the Core Training.