Tag: Sex Coaching

In light of the recent #metoo campaign and other ongoing consciousness-raising around the importance of consent, we are reaching out to all of you, students past and present, and Somatica Practitioners, to give you some updates to how we are going to emphasize consent in our teaching. While the way we teach has always had the intention of helping people read and attune to their partners to make sure everything that is happening is consensual, desired, and pleasurable, we feel the way we have presented it may not have emphasized the importance of consent enough. We are now teaching people how to have consent conversations with their clients and partners, and how to escalate while making sure that there is ongoing consent. Please check out these updated explanations and exercises that we feel more properly represent how we would like people to teach around consent in their practices. These additions will be included in next year’s updated Somatica Training manual.

Much love,

Celeste & Danielle


Consent

Consent is a very hot button issue in our culture, so please pay attention to the activation in your body as you read through this section. The concept of consent touches on our deep need for safety, equality, and respect. If you ask just about any woman what it is like to walk around late at night somewhere by yourself, or to walk down the street in broad daylight and have a man follow you calling out at you, or to go on a first date, at best she will tell you stories of feeling fearful or being extra careful, at worst she will tell you stories of rape, harassment, and violation. Likewise, if you ask men who love and respect women, what it is like to be out dating and having sex or trying to have sex with women, they will often share their fear of crossing boundaries, hurting someone, being accused of harassment or rape, and their fear of being shunned by their community or the people they care about.

Consent and non-consent can also be a part of our arousal. For example, we may be very aroused by the feeling that we can fully trust someone or feel cared for by them because they ask our consent or give their overt consent at each new step of sexual escalation. Or, we may be aroused by overt non-consent, where our partner does whatever they want to us without regard for our needs or we do what we want to them, regardless of our partner’s needs. We may be turned on by the romantic notion that a partner can know everything we want without ever having to ask or feeling like they can attune to us without words. In long-term relationships, women have sometimes expressed to us that they wish their partners would push past some of their crunchiness or resistance and just keep going. Jack Morin does a great job talking about how we can want the world to be a place full of overt communication and egalitarianism and still be turned on by scenarios that are quite contrary to these goals.

In Somatica, we want to account for both the importance of a safe, respectful world and honor that different people may have different needs around how they want their partner to ascertain consent. Obviously, if someone is turned on by doing things to someone that are non-consensual, we need to work with them on finding a partner that they can play this out with in a role-play as opposed to enacting it in the world, where they may do tremendous harm and be punished by their community or the legal system, For this reason, instead of teaching people to ask for overt consent at each step of escalation, we teach people how to have a consent conversation to ascertain what kinds of consent they want to practice in their life and to attune to nonverbal cues.

Experiential Practice: Have a Consent Conversation

Introduction: Read the above explanation of consent and trauma.

How to explain it to your client: You can say, “Let’s talk about how you give or get consent with a partner.”

How to do the experience: Talk with your client about their feelings, history, and possible fears around consent as well as what kind of consent they want with a partner. Help them identify if they are more commonly the initiator of sex and sexual escalation or the recipient or both. If they are the initiator, help them practice talking with a date or partner about what kind of consent their partner wants. If their partner wants them to initiate and escalate without asking, help them make an agreement that their partner will let them know if they are coming to a boundary. If their partner wants overt consent, help them practice how to get consent in a sexy way.

If they are normally the recipient of escalation, help them identify whether they want to be asked for verbal consent at each new escalation or if they want their partner to continue to escalate without asking (or some hybrid, like not asking at the kissing stage, but asking at the oral sex or intercourse stage). If they do not want their partner to ask for overt consent, make sure they are empowered around their boundaries.

If your client has a trauma history or is prone to dissociation as a defense mechanism, it is important that they identify if they are someone who freezes or dissociates during sexual escalation. If so, you will need to help them communicate to their partners that this happens to them and to let their partners know how to deal with it. For example, if your client is prone to freezing, they might say, “I’d really like it if you’d ask before you initiate a new sexual experience every time we have sex and make sure I give you a verbal yes. Also, if my body seems really still or you feel like I’m checked out, I’d love for you to just check in with me” or they might say, “I don’t want you to ask me for each new sexual escalation, but please pay attention and check in with me verbally, if it seems like I’ve stopped moving or am breathing very shallowly or if my eyes look spaced out. If I don’t respond verbally when you check in, please stop all sexual interaction with me until I can talk again.” You can also help your client have these same conversations if they have specific triggers or flashbacks. Help them identify how their partners can tell and what they need from their partners when this happens so that they can communicate this to their partners.

What are you looking for: You want to see if your client can clearly express how they want to get and give consent and that they feel empowered around communicating their boundaries, especially if they are interested in escalation without verbal consent.

Debrief: Talk with your client about how they will take these practices of consent out into their dating or relationship life, what they’d like to communicate to dates and partners from now on.

 

I’m Elena and two years ago, I attended the Somatica Couples Training offered by Celeste & Danielle, after which I added working with couples to my practice. As a Somatica practitioner the most rewarding, and often most challenging, work I do is coaching couples who want to improve their relationship and sexual connection. I believe that relationships are one of the most profound contexts in which we grow, heal, and change. Facilitating this in my practice is incredibly fulfilling for me personally and professionally and learning the Somatica approach to couples’ work has been invaluable. Somatica Couples Training offered by Celeste & Danielle, after which I added working with couples to my practice. As a Somatica practitioner the most rewarding, and often most challenging, work I do is coaching couples who want to improve their relationship and sexual connection. I believe that relationships are one of the most profound contexts in which we grow, heal, and change. Facilitating this in my practice is incredibly fulfilling for me personally and professionally and learning the Somatica approach to couples’ work has been invaluable.

Whether a couple is coming into my practice at the beginning of their relationship with the goal of a strong start, or after years together and a desire to shift old patterns and blocks and have better sex and deeper intimacy, I have the tools and skills to support them. Here are a few of key lessons I learned from the Somatica Couples Training:

1. Skills for relationships and sex are learnable. We live in a society that is, in many ways, just now starting to talk about sex and adult attachment in functional ways. But most of us have grown up with a huge deficit when it comes to knowledge about how to feel deeply connected and to know, and go after, what we want erotically.

2. Communication is key. A significant part of couples’ work is translation – getting to the feelings, desires, and unmet needs under the story being told. Translating for couples not only helps them to see one another in a new light, it models a more loving way of communicating and empathizing with one another.

3. Radical acceptance. This means helping people see that whether it’s how you load the dishwasher or how you have an orgasm, everyone is unique – not bad or good, just different.

4. Not all of our needs will be met by one person. Part of being a great couples coach is helping a couple to understand and accept this, and to see what options are available when one or both have unmet needs. It may be learning to be with disappointment from a place of empowered choice, or it may mean exploring alternative relationship choices.
5. We all need a balanced combination of secure attachment and personal freedom to thrive. Somatica holds that both secure attachment and individuation are necessary for a healthy sense of self and a strong sense of connection. Supporting and educating couples in navigating both offers a new perspective and a lot of safety and permission.

5. We all need a balanced combination of secure attachment and personal freedom to thrive. Somatica holds that both secure attachment and individuation are necessary for a healthy sense of self and a strong sense of connection. Supporting and educating couples in navigating both offers a new perspective and a lot of safety and permission.

6. “It’s all one river,” as Danielle says. Traditional therapy has made incredible strides connecting the psyche, the body, and emotions but sex is often glaringly left out. How sex and eroticism work – psychologically, emotionally, and physiologically – is one of the most unique and valuable offerings of the Somatica Method.

7. As a practitioner, I bring my full self in service of my clients. I have learned that flirtation, play, empathy, and nonjudgmental acceptance of both partners’ experience is vital. My experiences, my authenticity and vulnerability, and my sexuality all help me attune to and track where a couple needs to go and what tools to use when.

Not only has the Somatica Couples Training given me the confidence and a solid foundation for working with couples, it played a significant part in transforming my own relationships and allowing my partner and I to shift and grow through some major life changes.

  • Elena is a Somatica Sex and Relationship Coach with offices in San Jose, San Francisco, and the East Bay. She loves to help the couples she works with have profoundly loving and sexy connections. She is also the mother of a beautiful son.

We are so excited to see that you are interested in coaching and personal growth! If you are interested in sex and relationship coaching as a profession or already are a sex and relationship coach, it is important to know the field. Many kinds of practices fall under the umbrella of sex and relationship coaching. Depending on your personality, your interests, and your boundaries, you may be drawn to a particular approach. In this article, we offer an in-depth description of all of the subcategories of sex and relationship coaching so that you can decide what suits you best.

There are two main categories of coaching — talk coaching and experiential coaching. During “talk coaching” sessions, a client will discuss their issues, while the coach gives support and suggestions for change. For sessions during which a coach physically interacts with their client in some way, we use the term “experiential coaching.”

Talk Coaching

Similar to life coaching and business coaching, talk coaching in the realm of sex and relationships is where the client comes to the practitioner with a problem and the coach helps them figure out what steps they can take to solve their problem. The coach may ask the client to fill out an intake form or they will meet in-person, over the phone, or on Skype for an initial session. During this time, they will work together to define the problem and the coach will develop a coaching plan with steps to address the issue. At each subsequent meeting, they talk about which parts of the plan the client has accomplished and where they may be feeling stuck. The coach then helps the client keep their commitment to continue the plan.

Talk coaching can cover many topics including dating, sexual identity, sexual abuse, sex addiction, sex and aging, open relationships, communication skills, gender identity, sex in long-term relationships, and sexual dysfunction. Talk coaches will sometimes offer experiential practices in the form of homework to do outside of the session with partners (or potential partners). For example, a talk coach may encourage a client who is interested in dating to talk to 5 people to whom they feel attracted. They may offer suggestions to couples such as watching a video and then practicing the kinds of sensual touch they see in it. Some of these issues are more about the coach helping the client accept themselves. Other clients may need help speaking to family, friends, or loved ones about who they truly are. In terms of boundaries, talk coaches do not typically have physical contact beyond hugs or handshakes. A coach may offer emotional support by placing a hand on their client’s back or arm when needed, but this is typically the furthest extent to which physical contact is given within a talk coaching session.

Experiential Coaching

Experiential coaching (in the realm of sex and relationships) is active, and sometimes interactive process, whereby the coach guides their client through exercises to help them feel more comfortable with their body, their sexuality, and intimacy. It is often focused on helping clients feel more embodied and mindful in their day-to-day interactions. Examples of experiential coaching include sacred sexuality, Tantra, and Sexological Bodywork. A tantra coach might teach a client who is disconnected from their sexuality particular Tantric breathing practices. These practices are meant to help the client connect with their primal energy, bringing together the sexual and the sacred. A Sexological Bodyworker may invite their client to masturbate in front of them, and then coach them on ways to expand their masturbation practice to have more erotic self-awareness and deeper fulfillment.

Sex and relationship coaches may fall into one of these two categories or may practice a combination of the two. In both of these approaches, the coach maintains a supportive, loving, yet personally distant approach. They may share some of their own personal experiences as a way to normalize a client’s feelings or needs, but they generally do not connect relationally with their clients. In terms of boundaries, experiential work can include touching between the coach and the client. Sometimes there may be client nudity and less often, practitioner nudity as well.

How is Somatica Sex and Relationship Coaching Different?

While Somatica has aspects of talk coaching and experiential coaching, the foundation of the approach is completely different. Somatica was created as a way to fill a gap in the experiential learning realm. In order for clients to learn how to have emotional and erotic intimacy, we felt they needed to have authentic experiences of two-way intimacy—what we call a Relationship Lab. As a Somatica Coach, you will practice authentic relating with your client to help them learn, grow, and transform in their sexual lives and relationships.

As their coach, you would not act as a distant helper, but instead as a partner who engages in emotional and erotic intimacy, seeing what it feels like to be intimate with this person. By engaging in physical and emotional intimacy, you, as their coach, evaluate the client’s sexual and relational strengths, as well as their challenges. Once you understand what they need to learn, you then teach them the tools they need to have in order to attain more emotionally connected and sensually satisfying lives.

Somatica offers both individuals and couples real-time, experiential practices with emotional and erotic connection so that clients can experience embodied learning. Embodied learning is different than purely cognitive learning. When a person has an actual experience of vulnerability, arousal, or passion, they are much more likely to be able to translate this into their day-to-day lives. They are then able to change habits more easily than if they have solely thought, read, or talked about it. If we look at it from a brain plasticity perspective and how people learn, creating new multi-dimensional experiences that involve thoughts, emotion, and the senses is much more effective and efficient. It helps your clients create new neural pathways and is, therefore, a powerful way to change behaviors and old habits. The boundaries of Somatica are clothes-on, with no kissing on the mouth. Touch is acceptable in both directions, but no touch should ever move toward orgasm.

Finally, while some forms of erotic teaching try to help students learn completely different approaches and languages around eroticism (sometimes insinuating that these are superior forms of erotic expression), Somatica instead helps draw out each person’s unique erotic imagination and desires, helping them integrate them out in the world. Somatica does not offer a one-size-fits-all solution to people’s sexuality, but rather helps to expand what’s on the menu until the client discovers what turns them on the most. We believe that a person’s main erotic desires do not change. This means trying to eradicate, ignore, or change them is a great disservice to the person. Approaches that do this often instill both shame and the feeling that something is wrong with these desires. Instead, in Somatica, we support individuals to explore and embrace their unique erotic makeup, learning how to communicate it to a partner.

We did not come to this work because we had all the answers, we created Somatica based on what we felt was missing out there. We started a never-ending journey of asking all of our questions about sex and relationships and eventually gathering those of our clients so we could confront the negative patterns that plagued our own and our client’s intimate lives. By allowing ourselves to ask these questions and to be real with ourselves and our clients we continue to find a way to come out the other side intact and with more love and empathy for ourselves and others.

Show us your Dark Side
The Somatica training is unique from other educational experiences in that we ask you bring all of yourself – the good, the bad, the ugly, the weird, the vulnerable etc. We want you to bring your issues to light, work on transforming them and use them to help others. Your unique gift is based on all of your experiences and these will make you an even better practitioner.Your personal story, no matter how hard, can be the reason you can have a lucrative, fulfilling career where you get to live your authentic life through your work. We want you here because of, not in spite of, all of your hardships, and deep, dark and twisty feelings. Having the strength, courage, and vulnerability to do this work is not possible if you gloss over the surface of the jagged complexities and deep scars that make us who we are sexually and in relationships.

What is a Wounded Healer?
The concept of the wounded healer has become more accepted in psychology and other counseling fields because it acknowledges that nobody goes through being a human without experiencing major challenges of some form or another. However, many coaches feel they have more pressure to truly have all the answers and personify the success they are trying to help their clients achieve. For sex and relationship coaches this can mean pressure to have a long-term relationship, a purely pleasurable relationship to sex, or a jealousy-free polyamorous lifestyle. We want to invite you to let yourselves off the hook and know that the criteria for helping others is not your manifested perfection, but your presence, honesty, and capacity for empathy.

Perfection is a Disservice to Your Clients
We believe that presenting to clients as perfect is actually a disservice to everyone involved. If you uphold the myth that perfection is attainable, this will be their goal, setting you both up for failure and disappointment. This is where the Somatica approach is so radical and unique. We lead with our vulnerability and with our imperfection. In this way we help our clients accept themselves for who they are and this is where real, sustainable healing begins.

Somatica isn’t for Everyone
Somatica is for people who are brave enough to admit that they aren’t perfect. It is for those of you who can look at yourselves and see where you can still grow, and learn how to be gentle with yourself. We know that this isn’t the social standard, the social standard is to hide your faults and pretend you have it all together. In this training, we want to know all of you, and you must be willing to take the risk to fully and vulnerably show up with all parts of yourself!

If you want to experience your own personal growth around sex and help your clients to do so as well, it is essential to understand what makes you and the people around you tick when it comes to sex. We find that one of the best ways to think about what turns people on is the idea of a Hottest Sexual Movie – and we aren’t talking about what’s playing at a theater near you. Whether they are conscious of it or not, the majority of people walk through the world with one or more sexual “movies” circulating in their imagination. These Hottest Sexual Movies include images and ideas of how they want sex to look, what feelings they want to have, and what kind of experiences they want to play out in their sex lives. The characters may change, but (and this is very important!) the themes generally stay the same.

While most people have the ability to enjoy multiple forms of seduction, a person’s primary sexual movie brings them the most arousal and intensity. People often try and suppress their fantasies for fear that they will not be able to make them a reality or because they are ashamed of them. We encourage you to fully explore and flesh out your fantasies and to help your clients do this as well. A more exciting and fulfilling sex life is right around the corner for people who get to the bottom of their actual sexual needs and desires.

The process of finding and articulating your Hottest Sexual Movie has 3​ steps, you should go through them yourself before trying to take a client through them!

Step 1: Become a Self-Detective
While many people look for answers about what “should” turn them on from professionals, friends, the media, etc. becoming a self-detective and guiding others to do so is actually much more helpful. Before starting the self-detective process or helping a client to do so, begin with an attitude of curiosity and non-judgment. You or your clients may find that some of what turns people on is more accepted by society and other parts are less accepted. If any thoughts bring up shame or guilt, start by thinking of them as desires not actions. Remember and remind those you are helping that, as long as any enactment of them is between consenting adults, there is nothing to be ashamed of!

Once you are in a non-judgmental place, dig into your fantasies. Whether they are overtly sexual or not is unimportant, just start to pay attention to what you think when you start to drift off. What are your daydreams about you and anyone to whom you are attracted? What kinds of thoughts get you turned on?

Next, think back on the books and movies that have gotten you most aroused as well as the sexual experiences that you’ve had that were the biggest turn-on. They might be romantic, full of passion and intrigue, torture or other types of BDSM, or any sorts of themes from porn that you watch or erotic stories you read. Think of the scenes and the moments in those scenes that are the real zingers. You may want to do some writing on all of this to really pinpoint your turn-ons.

Step 2: Identify the Underlying Feeling You Want to Have
As you explore the data you have gathered try to identify the kinds of feelings that you are having or making others have and see which ones seem most relevant and exciting to you. For example, you might want to feel or make others feel powerful, taken, degraded, surprised, in danger, cared for, precious, teased, indulgent, loved, denied, adored, abused, seen, desired, powerless, known, punished accepted, etc.

If you fantasize about sex in public places, this might be a fantasy of being so desirable your partner would have sex with you anywhere. It also might be a fantasy of wanting to be seen (exhibitionism) or of being in danger (of being caught). If your fantasy is of your partner surprising you with a five-course dinner at your favorite, fancy restaurant, it might be a fantasy of being cared for (they planned it) or known (they knew it was your favorite restaurant), or it could be a fantasy of indulgence (five-course and fancy) or of surprise. Make a list of the feeling or feelings that seem to be most linked to your arousal.

Step 3: Draft your Hottest Sexual Movie
It is one thing to passively fantasize, watch, read or allow others to do their best to give you what you want, but we want you to take it one step further and help your clients do the same. With everything you now know about what turns you on, write your own scene (or, even better, many different scenes), that will invoke these feelings in you. While you might not want to act on everything you find that turns you on, all of it can be incorporated into our sex life in one way or another. See what you actually want to experience, what you want to share in bed with your partner (for example, what you’d like to say to them or have them say to you) and what you want to keep in your back pocket to fantasize about here and there during your sexual experiences to give you that extra arousal bump. Yes, we believe it is ok to have your own fantasies running in your mind during sex with your partner (hmmmm, maybe we need to write a blog on this!).

Think about how you want your partner to look at you, talk to you, touch you and how you want to look at them, talk to them and touch them in order to get some of those feelings you so desire. Imagine how you would like your movie to start, what are some experiences that you’d like for the middle part of your movie. How does your movie end and what do you want from your partner once sex is over? Take some times to write out some hot scenarios!

For a more in-depth exploration of your cinema worthy sexual fantasies check out our recent book where we dedicate several chapters to walking you through this process. Also, keep following this series where we will share what we have seen are the most prevalent sexual movie genres and what they say about your own and your clients desires. Finally, we will give you some pointers on how to communicate with your partner and help couples through a hottest sexual movie talk!

Our last blog introduced how finding your “Hottest Sexual Movie” is a crucial element of exploring your own desire and inviting others to do the same. Whether you need to hone in on your movie of choice or facilitate this conversation with others, we want to share the most common sexual movie genre’s we have heard clients describe. This will give you a sense of how to start the journey with yourself and guide the conversation with clients.

It may seem cliche, but we have to start with romance. As women we were fed romantic movies throughout our entire lives, so it should not be a shock that many women, and a good portion of men, find themselves craving romance in action. Even our female clients who have passionate and/or dominant as their primary fantasies often want some kind of romance in the mix. Likewise, many men find that romantic scenarios play into their fantasy life. Unless you are watching arthouse european films, romantic flicks rarely include any graphic erotic scenes. It may take some creativity and fantasizing to fully realize how romance translates into a more erotic interaction.

In Somatica we focus on identifying core desires and, at it’s core, the romance movie is about being deeply loved and cared for by someone who you have a special connection with that is not easily explained. Some folks are embarrassed to admit that they are seeking a soul mate connection, and we know that certain aspects of this fantasy are unrealistic. At the same time, there is no use in repressing your romantic desires, because they likely will not go away. By allowing romance to be a fantasy, we give ourselves and our clients permission to experience the pleasure of playing out the romantic movie in the moment instead of focusing on the disappointment of it not being forever. In this way, you can still experience the longing and pleasure of romance, which is about holding each other as eternally precious and uniquely important. We want to empower you and your future clients to embrace the desire to feel swept up in a meaningful and all-consuming connection.

Four essential elements define each movie – energy, touch, words and gestures.

Romantic Energy: When we talk about feeling something in our hearts this is often romantic energy, but it can also engage us all over. It is often what people are talking about when they refer to the feeling of falling in love.

Romantic Touch: The most romantic touch is an exercise restraint. Light caresses awaken the nerve endings and make the body feel alive. Romantic touch can be a great way start to an encounter, even if you move away from romance later on.

Romantic Words: Romantic language ranges from expressing a partner’s beauty or preciousness to musing about a fulfillment of dreams and eternal connections. Think “I’ve ever seen anyone as stunning” or “You are the man of my dreams.” To the non-romantic ear these may sound insincere or over the top but for others these kinds of declarations are exactly what they long to hear. Check in with yourself and see how these words feel for you.

Romantic Gestures: You can bring romance into all elements of life, not just the bedroom. Romantic gestures include sending letters, cards, emails, or texts with romantic messages and giving classic gifts like flowers, a tie, chocolate, or a ring. Some romantic gestures can be a way to show that you pay attention by commemorating special days like birthdays, anniversaries or better yet, first times (like the first day you kissed or the first time you met). Booking a reservation at their favorite restaurant, going dancing, or having a moonlight picnic can all be ways to cultivate romance through action. What these gestures express is that you are on your partner’s’ mind no matter what else is happening in life.

A Romantic Fantasy: In Our Client’s Words
We could make endless lists giving examples of romantic energy, touch, words, and gestures, but often our clients say it best when they share their ultimate fantasies. We want to offer you one client’s description of her romantic Hottest Sexual Movie that was so beautiful it made us cry:

We both get dressed up – you’re in some tight jeans that show the shape of your ass and that black coat I bought you, and I’m in an elegant dress. We go out to a restaurant together and you open and close the car door and the restaurant door for me. While we’re at the restaurant, we touch each other across the table and you tell me how beautiful I look to you. When we leave, you put on my coat for me. At home you light some candles, turn on some of that music that has no lyrics, and invite me to dance. We start to sway together as you look into my eyes. You lean in and touch your lips to mine, barely kissing me, and then you whisper in my ear how much you love me. You move behind me and hold me close around the waist. Still dancing and swaying, I can feel your breath as you gently kiss my neck and ear. You unzip my dress and slowly take it off of me, caressing my body as it falls to the floor. You’re surprised at my lacy white bra and underwear and you admire my body…..
Anyways…You get the picture. We will leave the rest to your imagination as we continue to guide you in discovering your own hottest sexual movie and helping your clients do the same
.

Before you sign on and decide you are definitely a romantic and heart, stay tuned for the other popular genres that might ignite your fantasy life. Next up, find out about Passionate Fantasies…and if you want to hear more about how using Hottest Sexual Movies can help individuals and couples express their desires, check out what we offer in our Somatica Core Training!

In this series we introduce how finding the genre of your “Hottest Sexual Movie” is an important tool for self-discovery, for you and your clients. Having this vocabulary is a means to communicate desires to a partner in a way that is playful, non-judgemental and future-focused. Previously, we broke down the details of “The Romantic Movie” and what core desires it addresses. Whereas the romantic movie is about feeling deeply loved, the passionate story is about intense, insatiable desire. Rather than appealing to our very human need to feel seen and understood, the passionate story is about allowing unexplained, uncontrollable animalistic desire taking hold. In our Somatica Trainings we offer a journey of self-discovery where you have permission to explore all kinds of fantasies while learning the tools you will need to allow others to explore and share.

The passionate movie is about a connection that is a bit out of control. In modern western society, we spend years socializing our children out of animal-like behavior in order for them to behave. When the self-conscious part of your brain that tells you that you must behave can be silenced, then passion begins. There it was all along, the sensory part of you that wants to bite, grab, growl, and satisfy all of your needs. In our sexually repressed culture, many people fantasize about having passion overtake them and their lovers. The passionate sexual movie is a very common fantasy because it allows you to go beyond the constraints of being nice and compliant which, in turn, allows you to feel truly alive in your body.

Whether or not this appeals to you in theory, giving yourself permission to have experiences that are sensory and uninhibited can feel liberating. Allowing clients to explore this side of themselves can be profoundly healing and we have helped many couples try out passionate fantasies starting with something as simple as a kiss.
No action captures the essence of the passionate story more than a passionate kiss. When done right, it can express an overwhelming amount of desire and promise. We have helped many clients reignite passion on multiple levels just by nailing this one important experience.

Here are the basics of delivering a killer, Passionate Kiss:
The Look: It is important to begin with a passionate look, letting all of the animalistic desire come into your eyes and holding it.

The Build Up: Waiting before jumping into a kiss builds tension and lets you sit in the uncertainty of whether or not all the passion will be met. If you go too quickly to the kiss, you don’t allow tension and excitement to build. By waiting, you allow yourself and your lover to build to a frenzy of desire where you can’t rip each other’s clothes off fast enough.

The Delivery: Don’t be afraid to grab hair, a collar, or the back of their head and really let yourself express your passion with your mouth and tongue but also with your entire body pressed against theirs. If you feel like giving a little lip nibble- got for it.

We promise you won’t regret where this kiss can lead. Here is a story one of our male clients told us about his girlfriend’s passionate approach to sex:

Usually my girlfriend seems to be more into romance, but every once in awhile it’s like she’s possessed. It sometimes happens on vacation or when something really great happens in her life. I know it’s happening because she gets this look in her eye like I’m just a piece of meat. I know women might not like feeling like a piece of meat and, to be honest, the first time I saw it I was a little surprised, but I definitely don’t mind feeling like a piece of meat. This one time, she walked in the door wearing this really tight, sexy dress and she had that look in her eyes. Before she even got to me, she started taking her clothes off, and she just pushed me down on the bed. She started kissing me and grabbing me and taking my clothes off. She took my hands and started moving them all over her body, encouraging me to grab her ass and her nipples really hard. I could feel her grinding on me…

You get the picture. As you start to see what genre most appeals to you, don’t forget that you can always incorporate various elements of each into your special mix and encourage others to do the same. Romance and passion often go hand and hand and we give you a template for how to seamlessly integrate multiple fantasy types into your sexual encounters and to help clients do the same. Find out more about what you will learn in the Somatica Core Training here!. Stay tuned for our next post on the “Dominant/submissive” movie that uses energy, gestures and words to play with power and its relinquishment.

When we started out to create Somatica we were both just finishing our sexuality degree programs in higher education. We met in a Sexological Bodywork training and each went out in the world and began to practice as sex coaches with the emphasis we learned in sexological bodywork to help people get fully into their bodies, move beyond personal shame into self-acceptance and explore what gave them pleasure. As we moved into ongoing work with our clients we noticed many of them were going out into the world and doing this crazy thing called “relationship” 🙂 We noticed that, no matter how personally fortified someone felt in their own body and pleasure, things got way more complicated once they tried to practice all of their learning within the context of a relationship (or in connection with another person or people). And, it is within the context of some kind of relationship that almost everyone is negotiating what they need emotionally and sexually; sex does not happening in a vacuum! Helping people get their erotic and emotional needs met in a healthy and satisfying way was our inspiration to create the Somatica Method and we can’t emphasize it enough: if you are considering a coaching training or an experience of personal growth that is most likely to give you maximum tools and transformation, make sure that it doesn’t only address sex but also emotional connection and the complexity of relationship dynamics.

Think about it, even if two strangers are having sex, they need to be able to relate to each other in some way in order for the sex to happen. A sexual connection may last an hour or a lifetime, it may be part of a paid agreement or given freely, but it still requires relating. And, the lion’s share of sex happens in the context of short-term or long-term relationships. Thus, if you work with people on sexual healing and expansion, you need to get training around both sex AND relationships.

Unfortunately, most sex coaching, sex therapy and surrogate partner therapy focuses on functionality and does not address relationship issues. Sex coaches work to help their clients last longer, become orgasmic, get over performance anxiety, or overcome pelvic pain. So often people will approach us wanting individual work and say that the problem is all theirs – they are the one who can’t get it up or they were full of desire before but now their desire has dropped to undetectable levels.

Whenever we hear this, we say that we are happy to work with them individually on their issue and, if they have a partner, it may also be helpful to bring their partner in for some couple’s work. This is because issues that people deal with are very rarely only functional. And, while they are strongly influenced by individual psychological make-up, if a relationship is involved, there is almost always a relationship dynamic that is as affecting the situation as well.

Let’s take the example of erectile dysfunction (ED). Many men call us and say that they have experience ED when they are starting to date a new person. This makes sense – they are trying to impress a potential partner, so their level of anxiety goes up. Already, you can see that the performance is impacted by the relationship. So many of these men say something like, “I had a past girlfriend and when I told her she said it was no big deal. She was happy to have sex in different ways and didn’t mind it when I couldn’t get it up. Pretty quickly, it only happened once in awhile and she never seemed to get upset. The problem is, with my current girlfriend, she gets really hurt or angry when I can’t get it up. She feels like I’m not really attracted to her and keeps asking me if I’m gay. With her, I can barely get it up at all – I feel like a complete failure.” You can see how the relationship has a great deal of influence, with both partner’s being triggered around insecurities, her feeling that she is unattractive and his feeling that he is incapable are in a negative spiral that we call a relationship vortex. In this case, if you are only addressing the functional issue and not the pressure chamber that the relationship is creating, you will be very unlikely to see any change.

It is a similar situation when we look at low desire, which is the most common female sexual complaint. While many women cannot understand why they are not longer feeling hot and excited by their partner, for us it is usually no big surprise and, most of the time it is not a functional or hormonal issue. Often, it has more to do with a lack of emotional connection or of sexual communication and learning between the woman and her partner. In other words, the fix has much more to do with working on the relationship dynamic than trying to get the woman to find her sexual desire again in a vacuum.

As we hope you can see by these examples, whenever you are helping an individual or a couple through a sexual problem, it is extremely important to understand how relationship dynamics may play into sexual function and desire. To be an excellent sex coach it is essential to have training as a relationship coach too! Find out more about the Somatica Sex and Relationship Coaching Training or join us for a Free Intro Day!