How to ask for what you want – both in bed and in life – is intensely difficult for many people.
In this real-life example of a Somatica Session, Sabrina works with sex coach Celeste Hirschman on the themes of self care, self love, and self worth. She wants to overcome her fears of displeasing her partner by asking for what she wants – before, during and after sex.
Building Self Worth
The goal of this therapy session is to empower the client to take control of their life, and teach them it’s ok to receive love and attention from others.
Embracing the principles of self worth and self love, Celeste starts by helping Sabrina explore her feelings of deserving. It’s the concept that she deserves love and care, and doesn’t need to work so hard for it. Sabrina admits she doesn’t feel worthy to ask for what she wants. She is used to taking what she can get from her relationships.
To help build self worth, Celeste introduces the idea that having a real-time experience of asking for what she wants can help her get it. She encourages Sabrina to be specific and picky about her desires. On a deeper level, she can then go into an experience with the feeling that it is for her. Celeste assures that she wants to really do her best to meet Sabrina’s needs – and Sabrina practices accepting this sentiment.
They begin with breathwork to connect Sabrina to her heart, belly, and pussy. This is an effective tool to help someone identify what she really needs, in an embodied way. Sabrina asks for more closeness, and Celeste encourages her not to settle or “get by,” but to try to find and get what she really wants. As they deepen the connection, Sabrina gets specific about how she feels – for example about her hair being touched. Celeste encourages this specificity and thanks her for saying what she needs.
How to Get What You Want – By Asking For It
Sabrina biggest worries are putting someone out, or making them do something they are uncomfortable doing. Celeste reassures her, and this allows Sabrina to feel safe to ask for more. Settling in and taking time between each ask gives her the bandwidth she needs to feel what she wants next.
Celeste reflects that Sabrina’s laid-back, receptive attitude is very sexy and inspiring. She identifies Sabrina’s self-possessed attitude, and helps her feels what it’s like to own herself. Asking for more closeness, Sabrina becomes very relaxed.
As the exercise continues, Sabrina is emboldened by her success. She asks her coach to push things forward. Celeste cheer leads Sabrina’s clarity and self-possession, and invites her to give feedback.
Find Your Inner Cleopatra
At this point, Celeste guides Sabrina into finding her inner Cleopatra. Adopting a lounging position, they experiment with feeding Sabrina grapes and making her feel decadent and worthy.
However, when the word “deserving” is mentioned, Sabrina instinctually rejects it. She doesn’t feel herself to be deserving. Celeste points out how sexy she is when she takes the attitude of deserving, and Sabrina sees that it’s ok to relax into pleasure and ask for what she wants.
Guiding her deeper into the exercise of self worth building, Celeste helps Sabrina identify what she wants before, during, and after sex. The goal is for her to not be content with the status quo, and settle for less. By asking Sabrina to go to her oracles – her heart, belly, and pussy – they explore her needs after an erotic experience. In response, Sabrina brings up the courage to inquire if Celeste enjoyed herself – and wants to do it again.
Sensing that her client has managed to find a new confidence, Celeste invites Sabrina to let her inner Cleopatra self be the new normal. She points out that her queen-liness will invite all the things she wants in to her life.
Rewiring the Brain and Nervous System Through Experiences
In Somatica, we facilitate clients to have real-time encounters with pleasure and attachment. Through this process of experiencing something new and different, a person can rewire their brain and nervous system. It allows them to seek more joy and connection out in the world. Their body knows it’s possible, and longs to recreate the beauty of the experience.
While it might seem tempting to brainstorm what your client should do out in the world, as a practitioner, it is important to start with the relationship between you and your client. Until they get a real sense of being deserving, it will be hard for them to shift patterns. They learn through real-time experiences of receiving and practicing with emotional and erotic intimacy.