At the Somatica Institute, we take growth very seriously – and at the same time, growth does not have to be heavy. It is possible to create a fun, playful and trusting environment where a person can bloom into who they were always meant to be. As an experiential sex and relationship coach, one of the most wonderful ways to create this with your clients and bring out their best selves is by flirting with them.
We also believe people can best learn how to be connected and true to themselves in an authentic relationship. Flirting is a great way to make the invitation for your clients to enter into that learning relationship with you. And it also let’s your client know that you are open to connecting with them, and that the idea of that connection gives you pleasure.
Part of the Somatica Training is getting in touch with this energy inside of you and learning how to lovingly share it. So here’s how to cultivate your flirting energy in 5 steps:
1. You are Always a Sexual Being
Part of the trivialization of sex and pleasure teaches us that we are only sexual when we are having sex. Yet our sexuality is a part of us in every moment of our lives.
Because men feel like they have excessive desire and women are slut-shamed, many people shut down their sexuality – except during masturbation or sex with a partner. Shutting down your sexuality will likely have dire consequences for your long-term sexual connections. It also robs you of the inspiration and power your erotic energy can provide in every moment. Attempts to shut your sexuality down can also lead to depression and creepiness (where repressed sexuality leaks out because of lack of self-awareness or self-acceptance).
In your day-to-day life, see what it feels like to be on the street, in your car or at work, and just acknowledge to yourself “I am a sexual being right now.” See how that changes your demeanor, your energy, and your sense of self.
No matter where you are, you can feel your sexual energy and feel your own enjoyment of it. If you are in a place where there are receptive people (who are not your employees), you can share this energy with a flirt.
2. It is ok to Enjoy Yourself
As helping professionals, we can often be very problem-focused – meaning that we tend to look for negative “issues to work on”.
In fact, many of our clients come into session and say, “I tried to think of what to work on today, but I couldn’t think of any problems.” And then sometimes, we enjoy ourselves so much in our sessions, our clients actually tease us with “I can’t believe you get paid for this.” This statement alone reveals how much our society believes in what you get paid for is not supposed to also bring you joy and pleasure.
When you embrace the idea that work can be fun, playful and more growth will happen when you and your client don’t take things so seriously, you are ready to bring in flirting as a coaching modality.
3. Flirting is Just Flirting
When we talk about flirting as a coaching modality, there are always students who say, “But what if I am not attracted to the client?”
We think this is a fundamental misunderstanding of what it means to flirt. Flirting means sharing playful, sexual energy to increase the enjoyment of an interaction with someone. It might lead to something more than flirting – it might not. But it can be extremely freeing to realize that flirting does not require anything more than … flirting.
You might be faced with a client you are able to flirt with but aren’t physically attracted to. It is your job as a coach to teach them how to use their erotic energy, touch, and words in ways that ignite your arousal and attraction.
4. There is Something Beautiful and Enjoyable in Everyone
Once you have let yourself experience the freedom of flirting for the sake of flirting and interpersonal enjoyment, you are ready to sit in front of your client and take them in.
When your client is in front of you, take a moment to really see the person who you are sitting across from. Ask yourself what you find attractive, inviting, beautiful, or compelling about them. You might find there is something about their physicality, the shape of their lips, their hands or their smile. Maybe you might like the sound of their voice or the heartiness of their laugh. Or you like the way they hold their body or cross their legs when they sit across from you. You might find their intelligence sexy, their kindness, or even their nervousness and shyness.
Whatever it is – focus your attention towards that and use it as a bridge to bring your erotic energy and playfulness into connection with them. Most often we find that, as we flirt with our clients, their sexy sides start to show up and they become more attractive. It is also possible that flirting with them invites them to bring out a flirting style that is unlikely to appeal to anyone. This is when you help them learn how to flirt better so you can keep the energy going.
5. Find Your Own Flirting Style
Once you have cultivated some flirt-positive attitudes, the next step is to actually engage in flirting. This means not only knowing what flirting is – but finding your own flirting style.
One fun way to look at flirting is to think of it as walking around the world, having your own sexy party. Feeling the ways that colors, sunshine, majestic views or beautiful architecture make you feel aroused – and then, when you engage with another human being, simply inviting them to join that party. It’s like saying, “Hey, over here, there’s a sexy party going on, wanna share in it?”
The languages you use to make the invitation might be energetic, bodily, or verbal. An energetic flirt can start with feeling your connection with your own sexual desire and then letting it exude out of your eyes, your heart, and your pelvis. An embodied flirt might be a wiggle of your shoulders, a naughty smile, or a wink. A verbal flirt could be a slight change in tone when you say, “mmmmm, it does feel a little warm in here, doesn’t it?”
Engaging in joyful, sexy, flirtatious interactions with your clients not only helps them feel more open and accepted, it also helps them clarify how they want their erotic and emotional connections to be.
As we love to say: There are a thousand paths to enlightenment – might as well take the one that’s more pleasurable. If you want to learn how to use a flirting modality in your coaching practice, join us for a Free Somatica certification Q&A session or check out the Somatica Training.