Are you tired of feeling dependent in your relationship? Or your partner being emotionally reliant on you? If so, it is time to empower yourself in your relationship and learn how not to depend on others for happiness. We’ll show you how.
What is Relationship Empowerment?
First off though: what exactly is relationship empowerment?
It means you are consciously making relationship choices – and then take full responsibility for those choices. You are aware of your own feelings and needs, as well as your capacity to set boundaries in a relationship. It also means supporting your partner in their own empowerment pathway, and respecting their feelings, needs, capacities and boundaries.
How Not To Depend on Others for Happiness
If you or your partner are emotionally dependent in your relationship, it may be because the examples you had growing up did not teach you how to be emotionally mature. Our culture also presents the idea that it’s your job to make your partner happy – and in turn to get your happiness from them.
This, however, is not a realistic expectation. The truth is that your job in your relationship and your life is to be yourself. It is also your partner’s job in their relationship and life to be themselves. People are different, and need different things. Sometimes the way you may behave in your relationship makes the other person uncomfortable or unhappy. While you can each compromise on some smaller things to help each other feel happy or safe, if you compromise too much, you risk making your relationship unsustainable.
Just think about this concept in relationship dependency: if you try to be someone other than yourself, you will likely end up leaving, or resenting your partner. If, on the other hand, you are yourself and also accept and value your partner for who they are, you have the opportunity to experience the joy and happiness that comes from profound connection.
How to Be Self-Sufficient In a Relationship
Some people ask us how to be self-sufficient in relationships – but we actually think this is entirely the wrong question. You don’t need to be totally self-sufficient in your relationship. But there is such a thing as a healthy amount of codependency with your partner. The great thing about teaming up with someone is that they can offer help and support in many different ways.
The real question is: what can – and should – you expect to actually depend on your partner for? Answer: whatever your partner is capable of doing for you. In other words: you may have a partner who is really good at budgeting money. Or maybe interfacing with doctors, and keeping their finger of the pulse of your children’s emotions. If they have those skills and they happen not to be your strong suits – then by all means, rely on your partner for them. It has to be something they’re ok with though. Otherwise the expectation may cause them to build resentment.
Also – it’s great to have a division of labor in your relationship. And it’s ok for you both to be reasonably interdependent. However, if you are waiting for your partner to act on something they likely will never do, you are wasting your time. For example: is your partner far messier than you? Are you waiting for them to notice when the house is dirty and start doing chores unprompted? Then you will probably be waiting a long time – and feeling very disempowered in the process.
So, don’t try to be totally self-sufficient in your relationship. Just make sure when you let yourself be dependent, you are only leaning on your partner what they have the capacity and self-motivation to do.
The Joys of Overcoming Relationship Dependency
Were you hoping your partner to start making passes at you? Even though, from the beginning of the relationship, you were always the seducer? It’s probably time to drop that expectation. Feel your disappointment, see if you are ok with them remaining passive, accept it, and move on. No use banging your head against a brick wall. There is a special joy in realizing that you’ve overcome a part of your relationship dependency.
And while it may be a huge shift in your understanding of relationships, once you experience relationship empowerment, it will feel so amazing, you will never want to go back. There are few feelings as satisfying as knowing you have taken the reins of your life and are living from a place of emotional independence and maturity.
If you want to gather more tools to manage your relationship successfully, Somatica has them for you. Take the Couples Training with your partner, or change your approach to life and relationships with the Somatica Personal Growth Course. You can also become a relationship coach and empower others.
Dr. Danielle Harel is the co-creator of the Somatica® Method, and the co-founder of the Somatica Institute.
As a somatic sexologist and teacher, she has devoted the last twenty years to sex coaching and empowering couples, women, men, and groups.
She is also the co-producer of the TV program Here She Comes - an episodic based on the Somatica Method that is currently in production.
Danielle has published original research on Orgasmic Birth and is the co-author of three books: Cockfidence, Making Love Real, and Coming Together.
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