Last Weekend I Had Sex at a Sex Party
When it comes to group sex experiences of any kind, I guess you could say I used to be pretty innocent – at least of the fact that there was even such a thing as a sex party.
Don’t get me wrong – I had been sexually active from a pretty young age and always loved sex. But I had never had a sexual experience that was outside of what I thought of as “regular.” Which was basically sex that included two people, and was done in a bedroom, living room, shower, or some other slightly more naughty room in the house.
So when my friend invited me to come to a sex party with her, I just laughed. I didn’t really understand what she was talking about. But then I thought to myself, “I love sex and I love dressing sexy, so why not.” I certainly had no intention of having sex. But… more about that later.
I Like Testing My Edges
Even though I’d never had an experience of public sex, I definitely liked the idea of pushing the edges of my own comfort zone. While I have my own personal fantasies that I like to play out, maybe even more than that, I like to be invited into other people’s fantasies.
When someone else takes me into their fantasy world, I discover new aspects of who they are and new things about myself as well. And, I push my edges. In sex, it’s fun for me to feel a bit unsafe, unsure of what is going to happen next. So, the idea of going into a whole party full of people, each with their own hopes and desires for the evening was like entering a candy store full of uncertainty and surprises. Would someone open up new sides of themselves to me? Would they push me to see some unknown aspect of myself? It was a true adventure.
Why I Kept Going to Sex Parties
What surprised me most about the sex parties experience was how normal it all felt. I felt normal and comfortable in the space. I assumed I would feel awkward, especially when people began pairing or grouping off and having sex where I was able to watch. What happened was actually the opposite of that. What I felt was that I finally belonged somewhere. I was surrounded by people who were deeply connected to their sexuality, curios, non-judgmental, and fun-loving. They were embodied people who loved to dance, swim, have a cocktail or two (without getting wasted), and who knew how to play even though they were adults.
I don’t want to idealize sex parties. Now that I’ve been to many of them, I realize that they come in all shapes and sizes. Some sex parties are conscious, aware, and connected. Others have been full of highly intoxicated folks who didn’t seem aware of the need for consent, or had any interest in creating a safe and loving community. I was very lucky to be invited into a sex-positive, queer-positive space, full of people who had been through workshops around communication and consent to be allowed to attend.
Another reason I kept going to the more conscious, community-minded sex parties was that I felt myself become more empowered and self-aware in the space. As I watched others openly communicate about their desires, feeling and boundaries, I found myself checking in on how I felt, what I wanted in each moment, and what I knew would not be of interest to me.
What I Liked About the Sex Parties Experience
What I liked about the sex parties experience was the complete normalization of being a sexual person, and particularly a sexual woman. I had been brought up in a family that shamed sex, and got out of a marriage where my partner seemed to shun sex. So what I found at sex parties was a community of people who understood that sex was a beautiful, normal, nourishing, and essential part of life and self-expression.
One moment I was talking to the DJ about the most recent mix they played – and the next I looked over and saw a woman being pleased by a group of three people who were clearly delighted to be of service to her every erotic whim. I finally felt at home, safe and free to be all of me.
Know What You Want and Be Flexible
Still, I went to many sex parties before I actually decided to take the leap and have sex at one myself.
Each time I went, I was open to the possibility, but I was also intent on listening to my feelings, my body, and my desires in order to make sure that any experience I had would be what I really wanted for myself. I dipped my toe in the water numerous times, enjoying a playful make-out, a light flogging session, or an invitation to watch a couple play with one another.
I gave myself permission to only do what felt great to me and let people know when I had had my fill.
Oh, This is Happening…
By dipping my toe in the water, what I was actually doing was building trust – in myself that I would say “yes” to what I wanted, and “no” to what I didn’t want. And also trust in others that they would listen to my desires and respect my boundaries. This faith in myself and others also created a lot of confidence inside me and a readiness to finally go for it.
It was an evening party, held in a gorgeous home in the Berkeley Hills. It was an unusually warm night, which always makes me feel extra sexy. I love being outside at night, dressed scantily, but still feeling warm. It gives my hips a certain kind of sway and fills my body with erotic electricity. And there they were, this gorgeous young couple. As a woman who is a bit older (and perhaps a bit wiser), I do have a certain cougarness about me, a desire to play with people who are maybe a bit younger and less experienced than myself. Of course, these two were at a sex party, so I had no idea how much experience they had until I approached them.
For me, it couldn’t have been a better situation. They were both a bit introverted and this was only their second sex party. And, even better, her fantasy was to be the dominant and to make her partner do whatever she wanted him to do to me. I was quite happy being the submissive in the experience. I was prepared to let go and allowed myself to enjoy the ride.
He was a gorgeous young black man, ready to take me any way his girlfriend directed. She was a beautiful, young Spanish woman, and as soon as she stepped into the dominant role, it was like her introversion melted away. Each of her commands in that amazingly beautiful accent of hers landed inside my body like rock in the center of stream – creating waves of arousal in its wake. She told him to hold my hair and kiss me passionately, and she was right there next to us as he did it. Stroking my ass, sizing my body up for whatever she wanted to happen next.
She orchestrated everything, and he had SKILLS. As he kissed my lips, I could feel her breath on my neck, with each new command of hers and each new caress of his, I felt my body submitting on a deeper and deeper level. I felt their sensuality, and it helped me trust everything that came next. At times I just closed my eyes and it didn’t even matter which of them was licking me, penetrating me, using their toys and their lips and their hands all over my body. I lost track of my orgasms, time, clothes – and most of all, I lost track of myself.
And, at the end, when we were all cuddled in a warm puddle of nakedness and my ejaculate, I felt the sweetness of knowing that all each of us had wanted was each other’s pleasure. And that we had gotten what we came for.
Somatica Skills at Sex Parties and Beyond
If there is one thing I know for sure, I never would have been ready for a sex party without taking the Somatica Training. Yes, I already knew that I was a very sexual being. What I did not know was who I really was sexually, and what I really wanted. I had also been taught to be polite, to be a good girl, to hide my sexuality away from myself and the people around me. And I had been shamed for so long.
It was through my journey in the Somatica Training that I found my inherent right to my pleasure, to my body, to my boundaries. I learned to clearly ask for what I wanted, or to stop experiences that did not feel good to me. I stopped sitting back and waiting for something to happen, and started approaching people I was attracted to. Feeling my own confidence and desirability, I embraced my attraction to younger people and stopped defining my worth based on my relationship status.
And, I learned to take intimacy and pleasure when it was offered to me, and to feel it fully enter my body and fill me with the joy of being alive.