Last weekend I had sex at a sex party
Presumably, that is what one does at a sex party. However, I had been ambivalently having sex parties experiences for two years (five in total) – and this was a first for me.
When I attended my first party I was seven months out of a 16-year relationship and three months back home in the Bay Area. In a vortex of long-term monogamy, motherhood, and grief I had lost a vital part of myself. I set out on a journey with no roadmap to rediscover my sexuality; everything felt new again. My curiosity about sex parties was both anthropological and personal. I was intrigued, it was ridiculously outside my comfort zone, and I wanted to see what it was all about.
I like testing my edges
When I go to the edge of my comfort zone, I get to see how much I can handle. In doing so, I open myself to new experiences and people.
The initial party I attended was epic: a weekend-long event at a Northern California retreat center. I was flying solo, invited by a man in an open relationship whom I had met online. We’d been dating for a couple months (online dating, another first). The weekend was a somewhat awkward experience punctuated by moments of brief connection. The fact that it spanned a weekend turned out to have benefits. I had private space to retreat to, and plenty of time to step in and out of the party as my comfort level allowed. I made a few connections that weekend that lasted, and a couple that imploded. Such is life.
For some reason, I kept going to sex parties
I questioned myself as to why I continued to go to parties. Drawn to neither exhibitionism nor voyeurism I wondered: were sex parties experiences even a thing for me? Why was I continuing this experiment? I didn’t have an answer.
I continued to feel awkward, and often out of place. Then, at one party, I had a lovely experience of desire and consent. A sweet and sexy man (who I had initially met at the first epic weekend) asked if he could kiss me and I said yes. He asked if he could escalate a bit, and I said yes. When I told him that was all I was up for, he was great about it.
I experienced an embodied sense of my boundaries, felt empowered to communicate them, and felt genuinely cared for, desired, and respected all in that one exchange. Maybe I was learning something about navigating a challenging space. Challenging because the whole point is exploring the rawest, most naked human experience – sex.
What do you like about the sex parties experience?
I interrogated friends: what is it about sex parties that appeals to you? Why do you go? I received thoughtful and vulnerable answers. One person expressed desire to be in an environment of positive sexual expression, to be immersed in sex positivity. Another described the attraction to expanding boundaries of sexuality and sexual experience, to push edges in service of growth and to keep discovering more of what is possible. These responses stayed with me, affecting the lens through which I observed my own experience, and the changes taking place in me.
The latest two parties I attended were in June of last year and most recently, this month. I surprised myself by enjoying both. In June I had the company of people I really liked, and with whom I felt a blossoming sense of trust and safety. I made out with and had an intimate exchange with a couple of friends. It was a comfortable social experience with a dash of erotic charge.
Know what you want and be flexible
I anticipated the most recent party with a mix of anxiety, hope, and excitement; the anxiety peaking on the day of the party. The experience I was looking for did not involve sex, but rather a feeling of ease and belonging. I wanted to let my guard down, to dance and feel my body, without pressure or inhibition.
OH, this is happening…
It was one of those nights that aligned so well it almost feels like magic. I showed up, feeling confident, sexy, social. I made easy contact with people I knew well, introduced myself to some I didn’t. Later, one of these newer people approached me. At previous parties and for most of the last two years I’ve projected a pretty unapproachable vibe. My guard was definitely coming down. It took me a bit to catch up to what was going on and then I thought, OH! This sex party experience is happening, to me, right now. And I was into it. And into him.
As a sex and relationship coach, embodied knowing is part of what I teach and practice. What does that mean? How did I know? Lots of reasons. First, he was hot. He was also adorable, and seductively shy in expressing interest and asking for what he wanted. My core erotic theme – my biggest turn-ons – was getting lit up. More than anything, I felt relaxed and comfortable in my body and the only direction I wanted to move in was forward.
In some ways this is all new to me, and in some ways not. As I think back, it was kind of miraculous that in my teens and twenties I felt entitled to my desire for and enjoyment of sex. I was enthusiastic about it and not particularly restricted by ideas of how, when, or with whom I should or should not be having it. The freedom of going with the moment and following my desire came back to me that night. I didn’t care if people saw me having sex, or that I was having sex in a room full of other people having sex. I felt my desire, I felt his desire, and I went with it.
Somatica skills at sex parties and beyond
A significant part of my journey has been practicing and refining skills I learned and teach as a group leader in the Somatica Core Training and in one-on-one sex coaching. I practice listening to my body, connected communication, resilience and flexibility in navigating shifting boundaries (whether they are expanding or contracting). A common sex party guideline is a high possibility, low expectation, which is a relational philosophy full of potential. It speaks to a zen of putting what you want out there and being open to getting it (being able to receive), or not getting it (being with disappointment), or getting something you hadn’t even known was possible (presence and flexibility).
Whether the edginess of sex parties experiences appeals to you or not, erotic and relational literacy is for everyone. It empowers and enhances every part of our lives. Come and learn with us – see a coach or join the training. Let them know you heard about it from this blog when you sign up!