Have you ever wondered what happens in a sex coaching session?
If you have, you’re not alone! It’s literally one of the first questions we get asked by potential clients. And – because we are experiential sex coaches – people are always curious about the kinds of experiences they might have if they book a video session or come into our offices.
So, while we also love the mystery, we want to give you a comprehensive overview of what happens in a sex coaching session.
Tell Us What You Want for Yourself
Whether you are coming in by yourself or with your partner, the first step is for you to share what you are hoping to get out of the work.
It’s important that your goals are always central to the work you are doing in session. You should tell your coach if you feel the work is moving away from your central goals.
Goals to Consider as an Individual Client:
- Feel more connected to my sexuality
- Find a fulfilling relationship
- Become a more sensual and present lover
- Overcome a sexual dysfunction like ED or the inability to orgasm
- Reclaim my body and enjoy pleasure again even though I’ve experienced trauma
- Celebrate who I am in my gender identity and/or sexual identity
Additional Goals to Consider in Session with Your Partner:
- I want us to have a more fun and exciting sex life
- Start having sex again, even though it’s been quite a while
- Resolve the resentments between us – so we spend less time fighting and more time giving each other pleasure
- Deal with the incompatibilities in our sexual desires
When you come into a sex coaching session as a couple, it’s important to remember that you might not have the exact same goals. You might see the problem(s) you are dealing with from very different perspectives.
That’s why in a couples session, you need to talk about your own desires and goals. Remember that you don’t speak for your partner. There will be time at the beginning of each coaching session to communicate your own hopes and goals for yourself, as well as for the relationship.
Connect with Your Body and Feelings
In the next step, the coaching gets more experiential. To move towards being able to experiment with new ways of intimacy, you must first drop in and feel your body and your emotions.
If you try to do the experiential parts of the work from an intellectual place – as opposed to a present, somatically-connected place – you won’t really feel it. Sure, you might go through the motions of an experience, but it’s unlikely you’ll learn anything new. Intimacy requires presence, and sexual intimacy requires embodiment.
What’s more – it will be of utmost importance for you to talk about any feelings of shame, fear, or embarrassment that might hold you back from being able to fully participate. Your coach will help you get more connected with your body. You’ll explore your feelings and fears that might be getting in the way of your fulfillment.
Throughout the process, your coach should be helping you feel more safe, comfortable, and accepted as you are. Their support, empathy, and tools to help you lower shame and self-judgment will help you get ready to try something new.
Find Your Growing Edge
Once you’ve gotten more in touch with your body and feelings, the next step is to find an experience or experiment that helps you advance in your personal growth path. We call this “finding your growing edge”.
Your growing edge is something you haven’t tried before or have trouble doing – but that you feel ready to take on and try. It’s the job of your coach to help you identify your growing edge. An example of a growing edge could be sharing a boundary because you fear disappointing someone. Or, you might have a growing edge around talking to your partner in a sexy way, because you get embarrassed and don’t really know what to say or how to say it.
Based on your growing edge, your coach will offer you an experiment you can do to practice. If you are doing individual coaching, your coach will be your practice partner. If you are there with a partner, your coach will demonstrate it, and you will practice with your partner.
So, if you are learning how to talk in a sexy way, your coach will first offer you some sexy talk you can try on them or your partner. You can see how it feels to hear it, and imagine saying something sexy yourself. When you feel ready, you will give it a try.
Check if It’s The Right Edge
When it’s your turn, and you feel a strong sense of discomfort, you may need to explore the discomfort a bit more. Start with more incremental steps. It is important that you stay present and in your body for the experience. You only want to push past resistance if you are sure you can stay present – and even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable.
If it’s simply too uncomfortable, you won’t actually be able to fully feel and integrate the experience. Your coach will pay close attention to this, and check in with you to make sure you are ready and present.
Give it the Old College Try
If you feel ready, you will take your turn testing your growing edge. As you experiment with sexy talk, you may feel very awkward the first time. You might even laugh, or say it in a funny voice instead of a serious one. Or you might trip over your words and need your coach to feed you some good lines.
This is all completely normal and fine. It is part of any experiential learning process. After all, you don’t sit down to play a guitar, and suddenly play a song. You learn the chords, try them out, and they’ll probably sound weird at first. But as you practice, they sound better and better, smoother and smoother, and you get more comfortable.
It’s the same for sexy talk, sensual touch, sharing in-the-moment feelings, and all of the possible experiential practices you might do.
Check in About How It Felt and What You Learned
Once you’ve tried it, your coach will ask you how it felt. This is a time to check in and see if you liked it, hated it, or if you felt awkward but excited at the same time.
It’s important to remember there is no right or wrong way to feel about it. As long as you share honestly and don’t put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. This is also a good time to talk about what you learned about yourself. You may have learned that some sexy talk you feel really comfortable with and excited about – and some that you don’t like.
Take it Into Your Life
Finally, your coach will see how you can integrate these new skills into your life somehow. You may have given it a try and found that you really enjoyed it and want to keep trying it in your life. You may find that it’s not for you. Either of these outcomes is great!
Your coach is not trying to make you be a certain way, but instead experientially help you explore who you are, what you like, and what you are capable of by trying different things. This will deepen your self-knowledge, and help you find out what kinds of experiences, expressions, and connections you want to have in your life.
Ready to see for yourself what happens in a sex coaching session? Check out our directory of sex coaches, and find a coach either near you or based on a specific specialization. Or take the Somatica Training to deeply explore your sexual and relationship growth potential. Take the first step and RSVP for our next free intro to Somatica.